Some place to hide is all I ask

I came here to write this because I know no one I know reads this. This gives me the freedom to bitch about anything and about things I'd rather them not know. Okay in all fairness caitlin might read this but I doubt it. That is not the point of this though, the point is I need to write and get these feelings out of me before I snap. Good I feel like crying... i feel so lost and ashamed. I can't be me and yet I can't even please the people I pretend for either. I'm at a loss as to what I should do. I can't pretend much longer the truth is breaking through the cracks and destroying my made up reality and I can't be who I am either because it'll do no good. It's too late to even try or so it seems. Right now I'm hoping for an out, one that can save me from this mess I've created trying to please everyone else but me.

Manipulation and control! What the fuck it's always so nice to find out what your friends want from you and what they really think about you. That you're the crazy girl who's too stubbron to move on or can't because she's just making excuses. That by some flawed system their life is better than yours and they can do no wrong! All because they've moved out and "experienced" life because of it, making you the little sister of sorts who knows nothing of the world and is too immature to. What the fuck is wrong with this? Everything especially when it's your friend from preschool telling you these things. It makes me feel oh so fucking good about myself. News flash mrs. friend did you ever stop to think I don't tell you everything about me because i dont trust you that much to let you past my walls? I know harsh but true...it's just not how our realationship works and i'm content with that because I've got a friend who I can talk to. Yah I know this is a scattered blog but once again no one is reading this so there! I don't want fucking pity! This isn't helping I'm too pissed to even write.

top five accidents

Time for my first top five list!
Top five accident prone moments
1) Cutting my lip on toast
2) Sewing my shirt to my body while on me
3) Slipping on the freshly mopped floor(I mopped it)
4)Cutting my finger open on the cheese graitor
5) Slaming the left half of my body in my car (bungee cord was involved)

Those would be some of my finer moments in life

trust gone wrong

trust in the worst places
I can longer with stand the things that have gone so wrong
The love I have for me lines the walls in crimson paint,but it was never paint was it
We lost our souls to those that haunt our days,but you got yours back
Leaving me hallow and alone
With nothing, but crimson walls of lost love and shattered dreams.
My tears never broke your heart and my screams never brought your nightmares
No matter how numb I became you never really cared at all
Then why did you pretend
Was it the pain that laced my every word or was it the admaration I gave you
I see you just used me,as I slowly lost who I was
Still I give you that admaration and still you use me
It is my cycle
It is my drug
You are my life line
Forever alone with you at my side watching me fade into the shadows

life in shades of plaid

Hmm I really don't know why I feel the need to write one of these,but I'm going to. Things in my life have been on the up swing. I have also been doing some more revaluating of my life. It has opened my eyes to so much.To things I didn't even realize were there. Like I don't need love from another to feel whole. Just figured that out through a recent relationship. I also figured out alot about my morals and values. If I were to go into them in a full we would be here for a mighty long time. Lets just say with some help from A Fire Inside these values of mine have been put into perspective. My keyboard keeps double typing some letters,so it's taking me forever to get through just one sentance.Sorry thought you all should know that. Also I just recently figured out I would not cut it as a philosopher. Only cause I'm failing my philosophy class. It is a rather drag. So I'm really elated at the fact I have begun to figure myself out. It is really making things alot easier. I think it also cut some of the tension between me and my mother. Now I understand about why people take so much time evaluating things in their life. It is a good way to put things into a clear perspective. Wow I'm listening to some crazy german electronica/screamo/indie band. My mom is trying to get me to watch lassie.....I hate lassie. Sorry that dog just not do it for me. Always have hated lassie. You know how most people have their parents to talk to about this kind of stuff ,well I do to a level,but for the stuff they miss I have friends. Don't know why that got put in there. It is snowing right now.....wish it wasn't. In other news I get to ride a train for the first time next month. I'm going to go see AFI in san diego. That is going to be grand really. Caitlin is a little irritated about it.....okay alot. Aren't you caitlin? Okay I'm off to go be life changing on my own.